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Sorry, this is somewhat of a rant – I apologize ahead of time.

That being said, I probably should really subscribe to the old adage – If you don’t REALLY want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.

HA! Since when have I EVER listened to anyone with even a hint of authority? Hmm, let’s see… Parents? Nope. Teachers? * snort * Not if I could help it! Elders? Rarely.

It’s my very nature to keep butting my head against a wall until the idea/lesson is pounded into my brain via personal experience. Nothing else will get the point across to me except this. It drove my parents and teachers batty.

(Get to the point Carrie) Right. With Mercury turning retrograde last week, it’s a sure sign that communications are going to be fucked up, regardless. This includes emails, letters, documents, and personal conversations. So what do I do? Ask questions I really don’t want the answers to. * snorts again *

I got a Mother’s Day card from my mother today, saying I was a challenge and joy to raise. The word ‘challenge’ was underlined several times. Joy was not. FUCK YOU MOM! That is why I don’t get sappy or sentimental cards for my mother – because I don’t feel that way about her. She knows this; we constantly dig at each other. It’s a thing.

Then, stupid me… again, start taking some stupid blog-thing test about the color of aura and one of the questions was: “Do you think you need to be the center of attention and are vain?” Out of sheer idiocy, I ask my husband if this seems true. His answer?

“Sometimes.”

Huh?

An earlier conversation last week also had him telling me that he didn’t think I knew how to be in a relationship with other people, especially a marriage, because I reacted emotionally to everything and just shut others out. After several minutes of not reacting, because I was screaming inside, he raised his voice and said, “See? You’re doing that ‘not talking’ thing again.”

Besides being hurt, I have reasons for saying nothing. I’m an extreme non-confrontational person… UNLESS someone pokes at the growling bear through the bars of the cage! (ie, don’t poke at Carrie unless you want the blunt honest truth) I consider it a waste of energy (that I could be devoting to something else) to argue about something that you’ll think you’re right about and I’ll KNOW you’re wrong about. So I say nothing.

This has put me in a funk. And with Mercury retrograde messing up communications even more so, this funk has turned into a major upheaval within me. I’m tired, irritable, forgetful, and I so want to crawl into a hole until my self-esteem reasserts itself.

No, it’s not depression. I’ve seen that monster once, and this is not it. It just seems the more I seek validation from loved ones, the less reasons I have to seek it. This is not a pity party or any kind of crap like that - just a vent. I should really, REALLY learn not to ask questions that I don’t want the answers to at this time.
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darkrivertempest

May 2009

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